Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
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All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.