Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?