If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
