; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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