There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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