We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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