Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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