Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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