Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
