I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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