please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
