Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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