If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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