I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
