My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
