Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
