you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
