so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
