Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
