and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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