I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
