Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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