There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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