Man, jail baloney is awful.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
