I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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