i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
