I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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