I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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