first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The uberlube is also flammable
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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