my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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