Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
