so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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