Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
