I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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