Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
