My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
