trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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