you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This baby is an asshole
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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