I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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