You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
