1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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