went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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