I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
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