I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
