I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
