So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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