So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
