FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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