just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
