don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
