the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
