im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
