i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
