Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
