Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
