im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
