Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
