She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
