I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
