I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
