If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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