Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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