i think my tv is drunk
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
